A Personal Note

How should i put this..... i guess i still am feeling it. this whole thing is just a mind-boggling experience to me that...that, i couldnt be able to understand that person. i thought i knew him but i guess knowing and having an in-depth knowledge of that person's details differ as much huh? well dont people always say that do NOT judge a book by its cover. not to say that hes not a good friend..he could be. but then hes proven himself to be a worthless friend in time. a simple explanation would suffice if ever uve done anything wrong towards your friends, isnt it? everyone knows that justifications play a vital role in arguments..well apart from those people who dont realize what they did is wrong, people who do realized it always, i repeat, ALWAYS have to justify themselves. thats why we have the law, we have the court, we have the judicial system! how could you face the judgment of others when you could NOT even face me? i wonder. 

I was in deep thinking the previous weeks earlier, that this happened maybe coz i messed up? or i didnt meet the expectations? or maybe he thought that i was clearly good enough only for him to kill time? damn thats so fucked up. haha. i wasnt really complaining though, bcoz if i hadnt put an end to it soon enough, i'll be in hot waters every single day (from the people around me constantly feeling emphatic towards me) well, no more pitying my sorry lil ass. ive decided that no more being the miss nice-friend-ever. yeahh to the relief of the people surrounding me, ive stopped all of it. but then im still feeling the grudge. sorry. i know its lame for holding back grudges but although it was a vague incident,  it could be considered as fresh. well, im just taking my sweet lil time to kill this grudge. slowly but surely. yeahh thats it. a slow painful death. haha. ironic isnt it? whos killing who nways?

On a personal note though, well, what could i do if the intended person saw me as not fun enough (am i supposed to be a clown??), not cool enough (sorry last i checked ive no brother named Usher), not pretty enough (lack Jolie lips n Gisele's body), not fair enough (not a Snow White replica either), not having long shiny locks enough (i aint no Rapunzel dammit!), not photogenic enough (duhh im not Kate Moss!). yeahh its safe to say that im more the Plain Jane type rather than the Luscious Lila. guys seldom see me among the crowds. i guess, im through chasing guys. im tired of waiting them to finally pick up the hints and hit it up. but sadly, that NEVER happens. so im kinda jealous to girls who always had it easy with guys. no offense to anyone, im just saying what i feel. a babe of mine once said, why dont you just take on a guy who likes you? yeahh i could do that. BUT whats the point if i dont feel any connection to him? if i had to rack my brain on what to talk about during conversations....well, it aint happening. its not gonna work sweetie. sometimes i feel like i could just curl up in bed with a book on hand while listening to the rain. now, thats comforting. rather than i face people and  not feeling at ease, right? 

So.. John Grisham book. (checked) Comforter. (checked) Rain. (err....well that has to wait)

Till then.