This Is Me Talking.

today everything was not in order of planning. my sis was very late. i was late in picking up my fwen at sentral. my mom was kinda upset coz i went out too many times juz in diz week. another fwen of mine was very late in confirming the outing so i was freaking confused with diz whole situation!

i picked her up from sentral, things were goin on smoothly, then she, my fwen n i went to have breakfast at kfc. blablabla lagi kat kfc tu then we went outside to walk to Pav. jalan2 lagi pusing2 Pav looking at clothes, then we went downstairs to the foodcourt coz i was feeling very thirsty. then lepak2 minum, xsedar it was nearing 2 o'clock. diz fwen of mine told me kene gerak kol 2pm.

i was quite surprised at dat time coz i thought he was joking! he did tell me yesterday dat he had to go home early....EARLY I TOT WAS LIKE, 5 or 6-ish! i never tot it would be DIZ EARLY!! damn. n i had promised to go back with him. i felt sooooo guilty towards her!! i seriously didnt know what to say or do.
when i said im goin back with him...then she said, ouh ko nak tinggal aku la nih??
o-mi-god. i was feeling more guilty! then, i didnt know why....but i followed him instead. [i know i was an IDIOT! dun remind me dat!]

GOD! i looked at her, n i saw her eyes were watery a bit. my heart was feeling very heavy. all the way through the journey back to my house......i couldnt stop but think bout d whole mess. i was in deep silence, my fwen was constantly asking me if i was alrite. [which obviously i wasnt.] he asked me if i wanted to go back to see her. i said, if i tried calling her n texting her so freaking many times n she wont pick up or reply, would u EVER think dat she will see me again??? aku takot kang die kecoh marah2 c2 or even worse wat xkenal aku if aku jumpe balik die, aku gak yang malu kan?? so i told him, no juz send me home. so he did.

when i was on my bed, i kept tossing n turning [in resah-gelisah mode], a few minutes i was looking at d ceiling, a few minutes then i was staring at my wall [which has nothing put up on it] n the rest i was feeling very restless. the flashback of me leaving her kept running on my mind. i was feeling anxious by the minute! GOD I WAS ACTING LIKE A TOTAL BITCH! leaving her like dat.....god, she was rite about me yesterday. damn, i had broken one of the rules in friendship n dat is, leaving ur BFF for a guy.
demmit. it was like, my heart was controlling my actions, not my mind! it seemed like, my brain cells suddenly died and couldnt work properly or sumthing.

people, DUN tell me wat i SHOULDNT DO coz dat, i owedy know n feeling SUPER regretful now! pleaseeeee tell me wat i SHOULD DO to fix it back. coz i certainly dun want diz mess to remain a mess forever. i want it to be sorted out...without any baggage. i dun want TO JEOPARDIZE diz friendship of 3years juz becoz of one BIG stupid mistake dat ive done. people make mistakes, but these people who made them deserve to be forgiven too. [it is NOT juz a fact my fwen, it is true.]

to my fwen, _____ [u know who u are] as i was writing diz note, i was feeling very shameful, regretful, anxious, stupid, selfish n watsoever dat u wanna call it. i know ur still mad, who wouldnt...but im asking u to pls accept my deepest apology bout diz whole situation. u can take how long u want to accept it, but pls put all diz behind us, n remain fwens again juz like before.i dun want to lose u as my bff juz bcoz of diz. fwen, I AM SO SORRY.

nowadays it seems like........my life has been awesomely jeopardized by none other than moi. congrats farhana, u now are certified to receive the "LOSER OF THE YEAR" award for this outstanding achievement of yours! wen i have flashbacks of the moments i have diz past few weeks..i realized now dat i had successfully gotten two of my besh fwens to officially hate me [yeay!] and my life sucks big time!

only now i realized dat :
- i suck in keeping my my fwens around
- i suck in balancing my whole messed-up freakin life!
- i suck in keeping my fam together
- i definitely suck in gettin any luck with luv now
- im juz suck as a whole person!

please people, dun be my fwens. dun be involved in my life. get away now as fast as u can or there will be no turning back. [im serious.] either u will get hurt, which i'll cry. or i'll get hurt and still i'll cry. so either u leave me or kill me. either way i'll get hurt nways so its kinda the same for me. coz i certainly cant keep my fwens from hurting. im not strong. fwens owez perceive me as a strong gal. IM NOT. im not strong n i cant b strong all d time. im weak, im frail, im helpless. and now i feel like the world is coming down on me. pushing me further and further till d edge of the cliff. its only a matter of seconds where i could fall or hold back. people, i'll juz send bad vibes if u guys are fwens with me..so i dun recommend u guys to still be. i know i'll sound xredha at diz time around..but do u know d feeling of semangat tiade? and diz not me talking bcoz of juz one bad case. everything is connected. everything in my life. so i cant possibly deal with all of these shit now. im not a good energy so leave me be. thank u.
old fwens, take care. i luv u guys damn much!